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We all know by now that the TSA screening process is a complete joke but apparently we need to go through it anyway to get from point A to point B on an airplane in the USA. Here’s a method to select the best line for the metal detector at that critical moment when the line diverges. If you disagree or think you know better, leave a fucking comment, smart guy.

From the moment you join the line for security, you should be carefully sizing up every passenger ahead of you in line according to the classifications below. You are not concerned about the passengers behind you – their only role is to smell your flatus.

• Airline Staff or Airport Employees = -1 – look for heavily worn roller bags and clothes with airline or official insignia.
• Business People and Road Warriors = 0 – they can be identified by blazers, pantsuits, worn laptop bags, and an air of boredom when going through security. They’ve been here before.
• The Wealthy = +1 – they can be identified by their upscale baggage & clothes (fur/ascots), and their air of superiority and disdain for their fellow passengers and the security checkpoint.
• Leisure Travelers =+2 – look for their air of excitement and comfortable, loose-fitting (or very tight-fitting) clothes. To them, security is one more exciting step on their way to some exciting far-away land like Orlando or Phoenix, AZ. If they appear bored, treat them as Business People (0).
• Kids under 20 = +3 – look for “Juicy Couture,” “Sean John,” “Abercrombie,” and repellently vibrant skin. If they appear extremely bored they may be a model and treat them as Business People (0)
• The Elderly = +3 – look for white hair and a shuffling gait.
• Families with multiple small children = # of passengers +5 – you can’t miss these because a cloud of chaos surrounds them. Generally mom is shouting to the rest of the clan that they need to do this and that so you shouldn’t have any problem spotting them.
• The Clueless/Insane = +5 – these can be identified by their looking around in bewilderment, an expression of fear and fascination playing across their slackened faces. “What is this? An Air – port?”

When the lines diverge for the metal detector, the line with the smallest number is the line you should choose.

These scores have been scientifically tabulated by measuring the awareness of each class of passenger to the TSA screening process and the likelihood that they will need multiple passes at the wand or will have their bag delayed. Since Airline Personnel and Business people are most concerned on getting through as quickly as possible, lines with a high density of these classes will move fastest. Since the Wealthy prefer to have things done for them they will enjoy having TSA tell them to empty their pockets, remove their gem-encrusted jewelry, and place their Fabergé eggs on the conveyor. Leisure Travelers and Kids are generally so excited by the wonderment of the airport that they always forget at least one thing – be it shoes, a belt, or the ziplock bag. The Elderly move so, so very slowly and are generally confused by the inexplicable TSA requirements. Families and the Clueless are the most important individuals to avoid in every step of travel. They bring a zone of chaos with them, enveloping everything approximately 10 feet from wherever they are standing. Within this zone, expect to lose your ticket or ID, trip over your shoelace, accidentally shit yourself, realize that you are wearing your jockstrap on the outside, or have your pants fall down because you forgot to replace your belt after security. Avoid this zone at all costs.

Lesson: All travelers can and should be classified and mathematically rated for the ease of YOUR travel.

See Also: The Bastard WILL Cut the Queue