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I’ve discussed tipping at great length with friends of many nationalities, and I have a few words for you fuckfaces out there who don’t tip, ever, or always leave a shitty tip.

See, you fuck up the whole system. Tipping should be a glowing example of a capitalistic pay-for-performance system, but you non- and shit- tippers have turned it into more of a profiling system for the foodservice industry.

See, they’re no dummies. They take one look at you when you walk in the door and they size up within 5 seconds whether you’re going to tip well. It’s your demeanor, the state of repair of your shoes, the seasonality of your clothes, your hair and makeup, your umbrella, your nationality, ethnic or religious persuasion – everything.

The problem is that profiling patrons is very difficult and inconsistent. The Bastard, as a firm believer in tipping, is usually generous, but sometimes I look like a total slob and reek of body odor and flatulence. I could easily be mistaken for a homeless person and a poor tipper and am sometimes given poor service because of this. Likewise, when I’m shaved and dressed in my business attire including cape, cuffs and links, I tend to get great service.

Which means that service is becoming more of a function of how you fit into the profile than an effort to earn the best tip – because you nontipping assholes have messed it up for everyone else.

I can hear it already: “bwah, I always get bad service so I never tip.” Well, Sherlock, you get shit service because they already KNOW that you are not going to tip! They probably saw you thirty feet away from the entrance and drew straws for who was going to have to serve you.

So here’s a little exercise for you people who “always” get bad service. Before you go out, estimate whatever you expect to spend, then add 15% to that. Put that amount of cash in your pocket and keep telling yourself for 7 days that you are going to get kickass service and you are going to leave an appropriately kickass tip. Put the money under your pillow when you go to bed. Hold it in the other hand when you pet the family pet. If you wipe your bottom with your left hand, hold it in your right and vice-versa (DO NOT wipe your bottom with the money!) Convince yourself that you are going to get great service and that you are going to reward the poor bastard that is serving you appropriately.

Next, the evening that you go out, take a shower. Wash your armpits and groin area thoroughly and brush your teeth. Floss. Comb your hair. Shave the appropriate areas for your gender. Apply deodorant or anti-perspirant and perhaps even cologne or perfume. Wear something that is reasonably fashionable and was bought in the last year. Tell yourself that you are a great person and that you are going to get great service and you are going to leave a great tip. Say it over and over again. Do whatever you do to relax – like reading one of Stephen Kings newer, shittier books. Or watch some Paradise Hotel 2 or brush your Pomeranian. Fucking relax. Don’t even THINK of leaving the house unless your stingy, jaded, tightwad ass is fully unclenched.

Then, maybe, if you’ve done all this, you will go to the restaurant and have an amazing time. Your eyes may be open to the fact that the server is a human being, like you, and is just trying to get along. Your guests will find your conversation fascinating and your anecdotes hilarious. You will order with a smile and your server will reciprocate and will exchange some light witticisms with you. Your food will be timely, exactly as ordered, and will be utterly delicious. You will have a few drinks (not too many – baby steps!) that you will order without asking the price first. You will be so filled with ebullience and joy at this wonderful experience that by the end of the dinner, it will be unthinkable to not tip at least 15%.

And thus, you will have had a wonderful time and joined the rest of society, making the tipping system a tiny bit better.

Coming Soon: On Milquetoast Pussy-Boy Overtippers (who also fuck up the whole system)

Lesson: Tip appropriately. If you’re too cheap to tip, you shouldn’t go to full-service restaurants.